Erev Erev Rosh Hashana

On the eve of Rosh Hashana, the jewish new year, I reflect on the past year with its ups and downs and I pray for a happy and healthy next year.  I look back in gratitude and with a fullness in my heart at the abundance in my life.   A lot has happened in the past year.  My life barely resembles what it was a year and a half ago, in fact if you asked me back then if I would be living in Boston, engaged to a frenchman, adored by his 2 young kids and traveling to France several times a year, I would have said, thats crazy.   But its true.   It hasn't always been a bowl of cherries.  There have been depressing times as well.   Missing my sons has not been easy, I cried constantly the first 3 months.  And,  not to mention the cold winter in Boston,  but I survived it and the boys are pretty much on their own now, after moving into their very cute apartment in Westwood, this past week.   Then bringing Emma to Boston only to learn that she had only 2 more months to live.  She was my connection to Ventura, to my family and that too, was gone.

I am alone in Ventura now, as I write this, in Palermo, my favorite coffee shop.  I come home to an empty house, it feels very strange.  Last night I went thru each of the rooms, feeling gratitude for the 7 years my family lived in our home, feeling the waves of emotion and the memories of times spent, good and bad, the meals cooked and enjoyed as a family with friends, parties I have thrown and the laughter echoed throughout the house.  Remembering time spent in each room, and how I used each room differently, the dining room that was my office, then my sitting room for sipping tea, reading a book or simply looking out to the garden, I was very creative on how I used each room, not conforming to the traditional use of space.  Just because its called the living room, doesn't mean I can't  transform it into a grand dining room with a 12 foot farm table.  It was cathartic to have this ceremony of departure.  I will have to leave this house, not sure if I will short sell it or let the bank take it.  I am prepared for whatever unfolds.  I have a new home now..with Marc and Ben and Leah, my boys have their own home, too.  I am grateful for the life I have created and the life I am leaving, but its not without sadness.   Walking on the beach this morning, I was aware that my time here is changing, again, like when I moved from Pierpont and knowing that nightly sunsets would become a memory, I went to the beach every day while my house was in escrow to enjoy every moment  of it, knowing I probably would not get to see it this way when I moved away from the beach.  Its more final now, but the Boston skies are really pretty, too.

Its  not easy to move on to a new life because you have to leave the old life behind, its very bittersweet.  I have to admit that the past year, I had one foot in Ventura and one foot in Boston and my eyes were looking toward France.  I was not rooted in the present.  I always wanted to be somewhere else.  Every month I looked forward to being in CA and I counted down the days until I was heading here.  Its an exhausting pace to keep up.  I was truly bi-coastal all year and worn ragged by this schedule.    I felt that if I put roots down in Boston, I would loose California.  I didn't ever imagine living in Boston, after all, I wanted to be in France, but that is where Marc happened to live.  Thank God he didn't live in Kansas!  I knew that with the boys not quite on their own, I could not just move to Paris, but its interesting how Boston is exactly halfway between LA and Paris.  Marc says that the way to have both Paris and LA is to plant my feet firmly in Boston,  be present, settle down and make it my home.  He certainly has done everything to make my life comfortable and wonderful in Boston.   He is so understanding of what I've gone thru the past year.   It was very difficult for me to make the transition, I always welcomed change before, but when change meant leaving my family it was very difficult.   This next year, I am making Boston my home, and by doing so, I'll always have California...and Paris, too, of course.